Counting My Bless : A Story A Day to Keep My Sanity

"I am thankful, for the health and for my nephews today.
We have dinner together after long time and I am happy to make them happier."


If you a person with depression, you are not alone.
I am writing this blog again after more than 8 years fighting with my fear, anxiety, and traumatic experience.

I am a pharmacist and scientist with depression. I did not recognize it until I came into point that I make a diary and count how many times I want to disappear from this society. I came from lab, bring the blade from cyro tissue sectioning machine, looked at it everyday, and thinking to slit my neck. Silent and quick blood loss, minimum pain, and but sure will give a lot of stain. My brain keep me being extraordinary  sad pessimist complex creature. Anxiety make me hate to open my eyes every morning. Fear of someone will angry with me, complaining my inability, and seek for my flaws.

What is the trigger?
Being humiliated and feeling unloved from I don't know when. The closest person never give appreciation and gave a constant complain.

How I become a bit sober?
When finally someone for the first time make me feeling loved and supported. Giving a lot of confidence that I am enough and can run my life for myself

When it get worse again?
When the trigger doing the same thing again to me.

Depression is ups and downs. Sometime you are sober and sometimes not. But its okay. You are a human. We just need to find another human that make us and accept us as a human.

I find mine and you will also. Find help, even when you only start to feel anxiety. That's the beginning of depression